I was thinking recently about the few days following my doctor's announcement that I had breast cancer. One thing that sticks out in my mind about that time, is that I couldn't sleep. I would lie awake, staring at the ceiling, and finally get up and wander around the house. I would visit my kids' rooms, and watch them sleep. I would sit in my living room and watch the lights from outside make unusual patterns on the walls and ceiling. And I would think about those words... "you've got breast cancer". During the day I could handle that fact, but during the night, I couldn't calm my mind. It was a time of fighting fears, a time of quiet reflection, a time a pleading with God, and a time of facing my own mortality. As I'm describing this, are any of you right there with me?
Take a minute in your cancer journal to write about the nights during your cancer journey. What were they to you?
I have no idea of my thoughts at that time, or the sleepless nights. I remember only that I said to myself ' I WILL NEVER leave my youngest son an orphan' He was 11 when his Dad lost his battle after living with cancer for 16 years.
ReplyDeleteAfter chemo #3 I've had a few of those long dark nights....I echo your words "I couldn't calm my mind. It was a time of fighting fears, a time of quiet reflection, a time a pleading with God, and a time of facing my own mortality" It's not the breast cancer itself, but the effects of chemo seem to cause havoc with the epilepsy. I laid there and said "After cancer, I will still be epileptic" Cancer is a visual thing. Epilepsy is still the invisible illness. I wish they would both go away. (sorry, but in the throws of chemo right now... and the nights are still dark) I am looking forward to facing the Sun or the Son...however this works out. I'm just utterly exhausted.
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